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Its never a good sign when you can listen to your 2Ge+her boy band parody CD and find its lyrics only marginally distinguishable from its real-life counterparts. Popular music is generally more about entertainment than quality control, but sometimes a song slips onto the charts without passing even the most basic standards of industry. Even the most lenient of genres has got to have its limits.

Apparently these limits arent particularly stringent, or else none of these songs would ever have been written, produced, recorded, and issued a heavily promoted wide release. Its somewhat troubling to think that dozens of people worked tirelessly for the release of these songs, directing questionable music videos and lobbying for increased radio play. For some reason or other, the natural music selection never phased out these ridiculous songs and they went on to become not only very famous but also highly lucrative. If only I could come up with a good song about a certain style of undergarment or a particular spoke on the color wheel, Id be set for life. If only Id thought of it first.


LFO Summer Girls



Luckily, this song was released a time when many guys did indeed seek out girls who favored Abercrombie and Fitch, so it was all in all pretty good timing. This song deserves some type of award for most non-sequitors dropped in the shortest period of time, if only such an award existed. "Summer Girls" utilized every cheap rhyming trick in the book, even writing some new ones on its own with some completely irrelevant but meter-consistent lines.

LFO gave us gems like, "There was a good man named Paul Revere/I feel much better baby when youre near" and "Fell deep in love, but now we aint speakin/Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton." It didnt make sense, but if youre good-looking in a classically generic boy band sort of way, youve pretty much got it made. If Rich had ever come up to me in real life and ventured, "Hey, my name is Rich. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch" I probably wouldve just gone along with it.


Sir Mix-a-Lot: Baby Got Back



The fact that this song was standard fare at junior high dances and bar mitzvah parties is pretty troubling in itself. We all thought it pretty cool to sing along, shouting out, "My anaconda DONT WANT NONE unless you GOT BUNS HON! You can do side bends or sit-ups! But please dont lose that butt." I can only imagine what the adults chaperoning along the periphery mustve thought. I never really considered the lyrics all that ponderously. I actually sort of preferred the Bill Nye parody version ("Bills Got Boat" but Sure-Floats-A-Lot), so I think that brands me too nerdy to have been negatively influenced from exposure to this song.



5ive: Baby When The Lights Go Out



Lets lay it all out here: if your group spells its name with a numeric 5, our expectations for the quality of your music will be at best underwhelming. Its just not a great first impression, and certainly not an indicator of substantial musical credentials. My favorite part about this video has got to be that it takes place in a bowling alley. If thats not a seductive setting, I dont know what is. I was sold from their first spoken line, "Yeah, I like that/You know what I mean/Youre lookin kinda fly tonight/Whats up, check it!" Pure poetry.


Aqua: Barbie Girl


We always thought it sort of scandalous that in the song, Barbie sang coyly, "Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky." That was only after we looked up "hanky panky" in the dictionary. True story.

This song almost defies commentary, its just that ridiculous. Its catchy in a generic bubble gum pop way, but the lyrics are completely and utterly ridiculous. Lets just blame it on the fact that English probably wasnt Aquas first language and move on.


Sisqo: The Thong Song


Did anyone else find the phrase "dumps like a truck" to be just slightly problematic? Were already singing about that general bodily geographic region, so it seems dangerous territory to venture phrases that could possibly be referring to defecation. Im just saying, its possibly a poor word choice. "Dumps like a truck"? Really, Sisqo?

This song was huge, and for a brief moment in time Sisqo was the hottest rapper on the charts. The entire song revolves around the examination and study of thong panties. In case you forgot what he was talking about halfway through, he conveniently repeats the words ad infinitum: "That thong thong thong thong thong." Oh, right. That.


No Authority: Can I Get Your Number (A Girl Like You)


I was almost positive this song was a figment of my youthful imagination until recently I heard it playing Muzak style in a restaurant. Im not totally sure how this was chosen as one of the carefully preselected and focus group-tested songs in circulation for background music. My best guess is that all the focus group participants had a pretty strong sense of humor.

This one is beyond ridiculous. "Can I get your number baby? Hit me with the seven digits!" Or, my personal favorite, "Ive seen blondes, and brunettes, and some really hot redheads, but Ive never seen a girl like you (seen a girl like you)". It always leaves me wondering just what color hair this chick had if she didnt fall into the above categories. Id say purple, but you just cant be sure about these kinds of things.


Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby



Youve got to give the guy some credit where credit is due. He does, as he claims, flow like a harpoon daily and nightly. Be careful, though, you might end up killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom. Its all good: if theres a problem, YO! hell solve it. Im feeling better already. Even about that potentially hazardous poisonous mushroom situation. Thanks, Vanilla!


Backstreet Boys: Everybody



Some songs go just a smidgen over the top with the audience participation segments, and "Everybody" is no exception. Large stretches of it exist solely for the purpose of our offering our assent via a hearty "Yeaaahh--eahhhh". What were agreeing to is more or less unimportant. Is he original? Sure! Is he the only one? Why not? Is he sexxxxxuuuual? You get the idea.


Baha Men: Who Let The Dogs Out



You know its a tough question when we have to punctuate it with a staccato repetition of our leading question room. Its not good enough to simply ask "Who let the dogs out?" No, instead, weve got to back it up with a heartfelt "Who? Who? Who?" It also helps if you divide all of the words into indistinguishable syllables. Case in point "Get-back-you-flea-in-fest-ed-mon-grel." Genius.


Eiffel65: Blue (Da Ba Dee)



I like a song with a narrative as much as the next person, but there is such a thing as taking it too far. The "Listen up" lead-in is a solid attention getter, but they lose us somewhere between describing his little blue house and his blue Corvette. This song lacked meaning to such a point that we had to ascribe meaning to its erroneous "da-ba-di-da-ba-dis", insisting our pals in Eifel65 were really saying something like, "If I was green, I would die" or "I believe I am pie."


Right Said Fred: Im Too Sexy



Im all for trashy Europop, but even I have my limits of tolerance. Im too sexy for my cat? Thats just stepping over the line. I just cant take him seriously anymore when hes doing his little turn on the catwalk.


Britney Spears:Email My Heart



Sure, she was young and it wasnt released as a single, but some offenses are just inexcusable. There are some rules here, people. For future reference, heres a major one: if youre gonna record a soulful slow ballad, dont entitle it "Email My Heart." Really, thats all I ask.


Even with all of their glaring flaws, these artists must have done something right. Were still talking about them fifteen years down the road, so you cant deny their cultural impact. Even if their mark on society was writing a song exulting the derriere. We cant all be great lyricists. If this has taught us nothing else but sometimes, sometimes, we just want a song about butts.

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